Well, it's 12:32 a.m. The bags are finally packed, and now it's time for bed. As if I could actually sleep. Tonight the rest of the money that I needed was given. What a blessing! So many people have told me over and over that they are praying for me, and that is also a great blessing. Now there is nothing left to do, but wait. I am just in awe. I really can't describe what I am feeling, there is such a mixture of emotion.

God, thanks that You are God. Thanks that You are big, and that You love me. Words cannot express.

Prayer

I cannot tell you how much Sunday night meant to me. After church, all of the ladies there gathered around and prayed for me. I am struggling so mcuh during this time, and I was so thankful for their prayers. I am so thankful that God has given us the oppurtunity to approach Him in prayer. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." There are still so many questions, and concerns about this trip, but I feel more peace about it now than I have before.


"I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.
I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
O Bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee."

El Salvador

In two weeks from today, I will be in El Salvador. Wow. That's all I can say. I am still short about 600 dollars. I don't have the clothes that I need to wear. I haven't even looked at my lesson plans. I am feeling incredibly fearful, inadequate, and guilty. I don't know why I am going on this trip. I mean, I know what I will be doing there, but why am I going on this trip? Through this whole experience I have been so attacked by doubts, fears, etc... All I can say right now is to ask for your prayers. I need prayers now more than you can imagine. Pray for strength and courage. Pray that I will trust God. Pray that I will glorify Him.

Faith

Over the past few months, I have been having some huge struggles with doubt. It's almost as if I had absolutely no faith at all. Doubt and fear (which I mentioned before) have been my constant companions. A friend suggested that I read Hebrews 11. It is the faith chapter. Well, as I was reading it, I only found myself more agitated. These people's faith was counted to them as righteousness. If this was the case, what was my lack of faith doing? "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." "And without faith it is impossible to please Him..." (Hebrews 11:1 & 6 ESV)

In my little brain I wonder, where does faith come from? How do we get more faith? I don't really know. (If anyone has an answer I would appreciate it.) I started flipping through my Bible, and I came to Romans 4:18.

"In hope he (Abraham) believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, "So shall your offspring be." 19He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead (since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah's womb. 20No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, 21fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised. 22That is why his faith was "counted to him as righteousness."

In verse 20, something caught my eye. "But he grew in his faith as he gave glory to God." Abraham's faith grew when he was praising God. No matter how I feel. I need to praise God, because He is God. There are many things in my life that I cannot see, and sometimes I don't believe that they will come, but I need to "believe against hope" that God will provide. I will praise Him.

"And I'll praise You in this storm, and I'll lift my hands.

For You are who You are, no matter where I am.

Every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand.

You never left my side, and though my heart is torn,

I'll praise You in this storm."

Casting Crowns

Time passes by

I just realized that today is January 26. One year ago today I was on my way to Romania. So far, that trip has made the biggest impression on my life. I saw God in ways that I never thought I would, and I learned so much about Him. So very much has happened in my life since that trip. Some of it was good, and some of it was bad. God is still God. He is God here. He is God in Romania. He is God in El Salvador.

There is something else special about today. I realized that it was on this day 15 years ago, that I asked Jesus to come into my life, and save me. At the time I gave myself to Him. I had no idea where He would lead me, but He is good. I don't know where my God will lead me in the next 15 years, but He is good.

"Oh no, You never let go, through the calm, through the storm.
Oh no, You never let go, in every high, in every low.
Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me."
- Matt Redman